Contrary to what many people believe, a relationship can be salvaged after an affair. From my many years of working with couples who are looking for a way to repair and rebuild their partnership after an affair, I have often found that relationships do not end because of the infidelity; they end because the trust has been ruptured. No trust; no relationship.
The process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes time and serious commitment, however. In the simplest terms, the person who has cheated must:
* Tell the truth and come clean about his or her behavior.
* Make amends.
* Work to rebuild their partner’s trust.
Telling the Truth
One of the reasons relationships end after an affair is because of gas-lighting, a term that refers to a type of psychological abuse in which one person causes another to mistrust his or her own judgment, intuition, or perception.
For instance, one partner may not know for sure that the other is having an affair, but he or she may sense it and begin to ask questions. The partner who is cheating will often deny it by accusing the other partner of imagining things or being paranoid.
This is a damaging breach of trust because one partner is effectively telling the other, “You can’t trust yourself.” For this reason, it is incredibly important that the person who has cheated admit his or her actions and say, “You were right. I was cheating. You can trust yourself.”
Making Amends
Making amends starts with a clean and authentic apology--no explaining or defending, and definitely not what I call “table turning,” or making your spouse responsible for your actions.
Acknowledge from your heart the pain that your behavior has caused your beloved. Be specific; recall specific moments when you may have gas-lighted them or told them they were imagining things or blowing events out of proportion. If you can, include your understanding of how events in their childhood or past is compounding the pain you have caused them in the present. For example, “This must be especially painful, because I know how you felt as a child when your dad was cheating and you were told to keep the ‘family secret’ along with stuffing the pain inside...or when your heart was broken when you found out your boyfriend of ten years had been cheating.” You get it--be as real and as empathetic as you can.
Rebuilding Trust
If you have cheated, you must accept the fact that your significant other’s entire world has changed because of the affair. This means realizing that even seemingly insignificant actions and words take on a whole new meaning for a person whose trust has been betrayed. For example, if you call your partner to say you’ll be late for dinner because of a traffic jam, your partner will mentally go back to all the times you told them, “I’m running late” when you were really with someone else. Be sensitive to this new reality and practice compassion and kindness. It is an opportunity to show your partner you really “get it”--that you understand how what in the past may have been insignificant is now a trigger that opens a Pandora’s Box of fear and anxiety for your partner.
If you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship after you’ve engaged in an affair, you must keep your word--no matter what. If you say, “I’m going for a run and I’ll be back in about 45 minutes,” then you need to be back in 45 minutes. This might seem like an overbearing requirement, but again, your partner is living in a different world now, and that’s how trust is rebuilt in this world.
I suggest actively looking for ways to make commitments, just so you can keep them. This helps your partner regain the peace of mind that when you say you’re going to do something, you actually follow through. Even simple promises work, such as, “Honey, I’m going to the store to pick up those four things you wanted. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Another way to rebuild trust is to invite your partner into a part of your life that he or she normally wouldn’t be involved in, such as a night out with your friends.
Repairing trust is a process that takes time and hard work. However, if you’re willing to “walk the walk” and not just “talk the talk,” your relationship can become even stronger and more intimate than it was before the bond was broken.
The process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes time and serious commitment, however. In the simplest terms, the person who has cheated must:
* Tell the truth and come clean about his or her behavior.
* Make amends.
* Work to rebuild their partner’s trust.
Telling the Truth
One of the reasons relationships end after an affair is because of gas-lighting, a term that refers to a type of psychological abuse in which one person causes another to mistrust his or her own judgment, intuition, or perception.
For instance, one partner may not know for sure that the other is having an affair, but he or she may sense it and begin to ask questions. The partner who is cheating will often deny it by accusing the other partner of imagining things or being paranoid.
This is a damaging breach of trust because one partner is effectively telling the other, “You can’t trust yourself.” For this reason, it is incredibly important that the person who has cheated admit his or her actions and say, “You were right. I was cheating. You can trust yourself.”
Making Amends
Making amends starts with a clean and authentic apology--no explaining or defending, and definitely not what I call “table turning,” or making your spouse responsible for your actions.
Acknowledge from your heart the pain that your behavior has caused your beloved. Be specific; recall specific moments when you may have gas-lighted them or told them they were imagining things or blowing events out of proportion. If you can, include your understanding of how events in their childhood or past is compounding the pain you have caused them in the present. For example, “This must be especially painful, because I know how you felt as a child when your dad was cheating and you were told to keep the ‘family secret’ along with stuffing the pain inside...or when your heart was broken when you found out your boyfriend of ten years had been cheating.” You get it--be as real and as empathetic as you can.
Rebuilding Trust
If you have cheated, you must accept the fact that your significant other’s entire world has changed because of the affair. This means realizing that even seemingly insignificant actions and words take on a whole new meaning for a person whose trust has been betrayed. For example, if you call your partner to say you’ll be late for dinner because of a traffic jam, your partner will mentally go back to all the times you told them, “I’m running late” when you were really with someone else. Be sensitive to this new reality and practice compassion and kindness. It is an opportunity to show your partner you really “get it”--that you understand how what in the past may have been insignificant is now a trigger that opens a Pandora’s Box of fear and anxiety for your partner.
If you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship after you’ve engaged in an affair, you must keep your word--no matter what. If you say, “I’m going for a run and I’ll be back in about 45 minutes,” then you need to be back in 45 minutes. This might seem like an overbearing requirement, but again, your partner is living in a different world now, and that’s how trust is rebuilt in this world.
I suggest actively looking for ways to make commitments, just so you can keep them. This helps your partner regain the peace of mind that when you say you’re going to do something, you actually follow through. Even simple promises work, such as, “Honey, I’m going to the store to pick up those four things you wanted. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Another way to rebuild trust is to invite your partner into a part of your life that he or she normally wouldn’t be involved in, such as a night out with your friends.
Repairing trust is a process that takes time and hard work. However, if you’re willing to “walk the walk” and not just “talk the talk,” your relationship can become even stronger and more intimate than it was before the bond was broken.